That’s right ladies and gentlemen. I am back in the Winter Wonderland of Canada, but every Canadian knows that Christmas isn’t Christmas without some snow and that’s the only reason I am home. ‘Tis the season! It was a shocker though. One day, I’m sweating in my bikini as I kayak the ocean of Tampa Bay, and the next, I’m standing in snow with my flop flops on. Talk about culture shock. With every road trip to Canada, I always notice funny differences between the two countries and cultures, and you guys loved my last post about it. So without further ado, here’s another Dumb Americans Vs Dumb Canadians debate.
When Halloween came across the calendar on my last road trip to Florida, I realized something. You know how there is this whole idea where girls get to be skankies on October 31st? Well, it’s hard to pull off in Canada when you’re trying to stuff a snow suit under your Halloween costumes. Americans will do everything to avoid clothing because it’s still so hot there! And to all the Canadians out there, you know you can relate to being a kid and buying super large costumes just so your snowsuit will fit on… And once you’re older, you just freeze your arse off at the bar… Because hello, it’s the holiday to look like a hoochie momma. Ain’t no snow gonna change that!
We have express ways and high ways, not freeways… And we don’t have to pay to be on our “free” way.
Now, this one might take the cake for dumb americans vs dumb canadians. Dumb americans don’t check purses or anything upon entry to a bar or club, but in Canada, you don’t go into any establishment without being searched… Even if you have a tiny clutch! (And we don’t have guns….!) I felt safe partying in St Pete, just saying. Bang Bang!
In Canada, we drink Caesar’s, not Bloody Mary’s. In fact, getting a caesar on my road trip to Florida was impossible. Thus, when I got home, you bet your arse that I went and ordered a caesar. (The only difference is that caesars use clamato juice… And taste better… Obviously)
We have hot rods. Americans have slim jims.
The news in the states is covered with stories about kids shooting kids, and our news is filled with our mayor smoking crack. True story!
You can read a book when you’re driving the “freeway” in the states because there are so many billboards. We don’t have our “express ways” lined with anything but scenery and the odd, very odd billboard.
In the states, you can definitely walk into a restaurant and find a turn window where you place your money, spin and then receive your food back… Through the spin window. Apparently we have more trust.
On that note, we don’t have to pay for our gas prior to pumping, nor do we have to go back in when we give too much cash to get the change back. Talk about annoying. We pump, and then pay.
Cars in Florida aren’t built with blinkers… Apparently.
People truly believe that dumb canadians come from igloos, sled dogs, seal meat and sub zero temps all year round. But in Canada, we are required to learn about America and the history.
The landscapers in Florida wear life jackets…! Enough said. Yes, I had to do a triple take.
You can’t find a poutine for the life of you, and you better pack your own white vinegar for your french fries when taking a road trip to Florida. Or expect a funny look, and a lack of taste.
When you order gravy in the states, you get white sauce. Our gravy is brown beef gravy… Always.
Don’t ever order just “tea”… ‘Cause it will come chilled. In Canada, we drink hot tea, and rarely, sweet tea or chilled tea. Always emphasize the hot in the order.
MacDonalds in Florida has year round dollar drink days. I guess they win the dumb Americans vs dumb Canadians debate on this one, since we only get it for the summer.
Gas is in gallons… Ours is in litres.
You can buy cigarettes in a pharmacy in the states. Contradiction? Good luck trying that in Canada. Even our cigarette shops have to cover them so they are not visible because our youth is the future… Which makes it hard to pick out the good shaz.
You can walk around in a bikini top, but would get kicked out in Canada unless you’re near the beach… Which is also known as a lake… Not the ocean.
Things can hurt and kill you in the water in the states… Not in Canada. Our biggest threat? Other swimmers.
In Florida, you don’t need a helmet for a motorcycle. In Canada, you need one by law… Even for your bicycle. Don’t you dare pedal away without that helmet.
Tim Hortons in the states, is not Canadian Tim Hortons. Don’t get ahead of yourself here.
We have New York Fries, but the states doesn’t know that it even exists.
The lizards that get in your house will bite… Our house flies don’t.
We write messages in the snow, not in the sand.
Our nostrils freeze together when it gets really cold, and sometimes you wake up with inches of ice on your car… And still can’t call into work late.
Our car keys have automatic starts, and heat devices to melt the ice in the lock so you can get… But good luck trying to open your car door when it’s still iced shut. Thus, we have hair dryers without cords.
America has jug milk… Ours comes in bags.
We have basements… Florida doesn’t. Even a one story house, is technically two in Canada.
You can buy a house in the states for $130k. That won’t buy you a studio apartment in Canada.
We get our health care for free, and get in right away. America pays and still waits. Your health care is not determined by your salary.
“Good Eating” is a classic saying in the states. That’s just poor grammar.
When the weather calls for high winds in the states, people start to board up the windows. In Canada, we run to them so we can check out the storm.
You can determine the weather by looking at the clouds in Florida, and it changes so often. In Canada, if it’s a bad day… It’s all day.
In Florida, you step on large snails and have the juice splash your leg. Yes, this happened to me.
Possums in Florida are fat, and hungry… And will eat your puke. Don’t ask.
Our money is like monopoly money… Colourful and plastic.
We don’t have pickles in pouches… They only in jars.
I can list our fast food restaurants on one hand, you’d need to be an octopus to do that in America.
Every corner has Tim Hortons in Canada… And yes, this franchise was based on a hockey player.
In Canada, you’re 24 years old and in the states before you ever see a gun… And you’re scared shitless.
7 year old children get suspended from school for eating a pop tart to the shape of a gun. We suspend our kids for stealing another kids mittens on the playground.
In the winter, we make our hills massive slip n’ slides… Only they’re made of ice, and not water.
We mourn our fallen soldiers on Remembrance day which is on America’s Veterans Day, but it is like America’s Memorial Day. We don’t clap. We don’t laugh. We don’t celebrate their lives. We play a trumpet during a moment of silence (Yes… You read that right) on 11:11 on the 11th day of the 11th month, and we wear a poppy over our heart to show our appreciation.
Our Canadian flags are only on our cottages, and not paraded on every porch and car throughout the country. However, the patriotism in America is commendable.
And the craziest thing about dumb americans vs dumb canadians is that we are so much alike, yet strive to believe that we are different. Does your mayor smoke crack? Didn’t think so.
… There’s plenty more, I’m sure. But after this dumb post, my brain cells are nonexistent. Cheers!