11:00pm, Thursday, Iwas laying in bed fighting with the sheets that were wrapped around my feet and wondering why I could not fall asleep. Then they hit me. By they, I mean the tears.
It Was About Time
I think this emotional breakdown was long overdue. You ever have those times when you think about the past and you just cry? I got out of bed to not wake Mark and worry him, and opened the door to the bathroom. I quickly shut the door and locked it, and I sat on the ground where I would be sitting and thinking and crying for the next hour and a half.
Sometimes, You Just Need To Cry
I thought about everything in the past, moments, fights, friends, boyfriends, kisses
and hugs. I thought about what I would do
differently if I could go back in time, and the mistakes I made on my journey to where I am now. I thought about how carefree and simple life was. I cried and cried and was unable to stop. I knew this all needed to come out. I thought about the friends in high school…that turned their backs on me when I need them most. I thought about my ex boyfriend of 3 years who is now my best friend. Thought about how I treated him in the last year of our relationship, and how he still continues to be there for me and offer me every helping hand he can, ever chance he gets, even though I broke his heart. I thought about the good times camping and vacationing and friends and loved ones. I thought about the comforting hugs, and the loving kisses. I thought about how my life could be different if I made just one decision differently.
It Isn’t Always What It Seems
Life seemed so simple. Life was so content. My life was the ideal life. I had what everyone wanted.The friends, the boyfriend, the family, the grades etc. Everyone thought I had a perfect life and even looking back on some pictures now, I do seem so incredibly happy. But pictures can be deceiving… even the ones I take today. Life isn’t always what it seems to be. As happy as I am with Mark, I can’t help but wonder how different my life would be if I just made one decision different. How different my life would be if those friends of mine didn’t commit suicide in high school. How different my life would be if I let people walk all over me. How different my life would be, if I chose to change it now.
I believe God has a predetermined path for us, but it can change along the way. This all depends on the choices we make. It determines the path we lead and if it changes may occur ahead. I remind myself of this, for motivation that life is going where it is supposed to. There can never be a “wrong” decision, because every decision has its reasons and leads you to the right place. It is the bad experiences in life that you learn the most from. I need to take the past experiences and remember how good they were, but that they are the past…and people, feelings and things change. If we never cried, we would never know what happiness was. These are life quotes you can rely on.
Life is always ‘perfect timing‘.
Like the sunset on my18th birthday, that would soon rise again for a new day and new journey, it’s time to start a new chapter. Maybe some of those people in my past are meant to be there in my future. Only God knows and only time will tell. The past is the past, and I need to look back on those times and just smile. Smile because there are so many bright days ahead, and so many surprises to come.