Considering Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, I decided that I would take this opportunity to share some laughter with you guys… And by laughter, I really mean that I’m going to tell you embarrassing things about myself and allow you to all laugh hysterically at my situations. Well, I wouldn’t really call them situations…. But this could explain why I’m single.
Follow my relationship advice and don’t give these gifts of love.
I like to think that I’m great at gifts for men. I like to think that I have provided some of the most amazing Valentines gifts for men known to mankind. I’d also like to believe that I give the absolute best Valentines day gifts because well…. We’re still talking about them today. My Valentines gifts for men are the kind of gifts that keep giving. You know, the kind of perfect gifts that allow you to just keep laughing, and laughing, and you truly can’t help but shake your head and ponder, “Why? Chantal… Why?”
Yup. Those are the perfect gifts and while my ex boyfriends may all argue that I’m not great at choosing Valentines gifts for men, I’m going to rebuttal with… Wait… Nevermind. I’m the single one. Well, to each their own then buttholes! That’s why you’re my ex and in my hisEXtory. Oh yeah. I went there.
Here are some of the perfect gift ideas for him, that I have already used myself… Because I came up with then. Obvs. Take this post as motivation to do the exact opposite!
- One year… I decided that I wanted to give my boyfriend at the time a gift that kept giving…. Something that would share my eternal love. (Mind you, I was 15 at the time… I didn’t even know what love was but whatever). Now, I skimmed over gift ideas for him, but nothing set in until I was at the Pet Store. No. I didn’t purchase a dog, cat, bird… or something normal. Instead, I felt like the best valentines day gifts for my 18 year old boyfriend, (Remember I was 15), was a fish. I’m. Not. Kidding. I bought my boyfriend a god damn fish. Oh, but that’s not it. The fish I got him also came in a heart shaped bowl. No. Again… I’m not kidding. The fish was anorexic and died a couple years later. I coincidentally broke up with him after that…. Obviously. It was our love fish. Like “How To Lose A Guy in 20 Days” love fern. Yup. That was me.
- For some reason, I apparently believe that I date feminine men or something because my boyfriends always get some really gushy love bullshit that no one wants. Well, I would want it… But that’s because I’m a girl. With that said, the best valentines gifts for men come from the heart. Scrapbooks and poetry are a favorite and they really add that extra spark of creep in there. Something along the lines of, “Your bedazzling blue eyes beat my heart bashfully…”. If any or all (none of) my ex boyfriends are reading this, they would currently be nodding their heads in agreeance, because they’ve probably gotten one.
- I like to engrave things for boyfriends. I can’t give the perfect gifts if they are store bought and impersonal. Hello. What’s the fun in that? Now, luckily, I haven’t gone too creepy and purchased a guy a ring or anything. That would be weird. Even I think that would be weird. But I have engraved all sorts of things. Wallets. Bracelets. Dog tags. Panties. Tattoos. Okay, so I’m lying about the last one, but surely you get the point. I give men a nice piece of jewelry, and then ruin it with a big “I F!CKING LOVE YOU” on it. Oh, with “xox kiss hug boo bugabear” on it as well.
- I once bought my boyfriend at the time an alligator head from Florida. I thought it was too cool, kept it for myself, named him Tator, who is currently sitting beside me.
- I also purchased a Tshirt for a boyfriend that read, “I love my girlfriend” With our anniversary date on the back…. And I made him wear it around the whole entire Valentine’s Day.
I won’t even get into the matching sweaters…. But if you haven’t guessed, I’m obviously the best gift ideas for him. Now, you may all be thinking that I’m definitely not the person to go to for gift ideas for him, but just think about it… Those examples of my past Valentines gifts for men are creative, romantic and genuine…., right? I have since changed. Wait. Nevermind. My ex got poems all the time. *hands head in shame*. This is why I’m single, isn’t it?
Happy Valentine’s Day, Everyone! Thank you all for the love and endless support. You’re all amazing and I would sleep with each and every single one of you on the first date… Because you’re that great.
Mwah! xo Kisses. Smoochies.
P.S. Thank you to the men of my past. God bless you for putting up with me.