It has been 4 months since my beautiful pug passed away which I have talked about several times on my lifestyle blogs. 4 months, and I still have nightmares. Thankfully, not as much, but they still come and go as they please. It is always the same thing. I have to relive his death, sit there screaming and watch him die, not being able to help him at all. Not being able to soothe his pain. Not being able to stop his foaming. Not being able to calm him down. Not being able to save his life.
It is still haunting me – even four months later. Sometimes I see him come and go in my dreams, and I feel like he is coming to say hello. I beg him not to leave, but he always has to go. Having these nightmares change my whole day. My whole mood. My whole healing process. I sit there and wonder all day, if there was anything, anything at all, that I could have done, to save his life. The vet says no, but the feeling of helplessness and losing him is still on my conscious. The nightmares won’t stop until I fully heal. Whenever I say to mark, “I think I am fully healed, I miss him, but I understand now”… a nightmare comes that night, as if to remind me, I am still hurting and holding guilt. I know I should not feel guilty, but how else are you to feel when you sit there and watch your little baby die? As if that isn’t torturing enough, sometimes Diva and Elvis get added into the mix. Sometimes dieing the same way as he did. Sometimes someone stealing them. Sometimes an animal getting at them. And sometimes, the exact same situation that happened on February 22st, with just a different name. I miss him dearly, but I want these nightmares to go away.
I miss my dance partner;
my pain in the a$$;