I know what I’m going to go on some rants about today, and it puts a whole new meaning on dirty jokes. Hilarious stories are my forte, and it just so happens that my life is full of them which is exactly why I created this page for those of you out there who like to laugh and be astonished at the things that people do. Today’s “Rant About It” is all about the dumpster diving weirdos that are outside of my apartment building every single night. Now, I live in an excellent location, dead smack in the middle of uptown and downtown. Unfortunately, with the good comes some bad and with the stunning, convenient location of being on the main strip of my city, you always get the whackos that like to come out of hiding at night.
Every single night, the dumpster diving whackos come to the apartment buildings trash bins like clockwork. I swear, it’s the hot spot for them. They all come out of the bushes and surround the bins before dumpster diving head first. I swear to god! These people come prepared. They have their flashlights and knives, backpacks and sometimes, they even have shopping carts. I never thought these words would come out of my mouth but that is one kind of shopping that I do not want to treat myself to.
I understand that, for some people, this is a way of life. Thus, I opted to talk to them. I know. What the hell was I thinking? This is when they began to tell me that they get people’s receipts and cash in on them. For example, one of my cracky whacky dumpster diving fellows found a receipt for a PS3 and said that he was going to claim it as stolen and get a new one. Now that is just some shady business. Since I know the property manager of the building personally, I told them to proceed and to just clean up their mess when they’re done. That was nice of me, right?
The bins are about to be moved due to construction and when we informed the dumpster diving drunks… I mean… Dudes, they said that they were going to protest! Yes. They plan to protest that the building doesn’t move their dumpster so that they can continue to dumpster dive. What has this world come to? I was almost about to laugh, but then a rush of nauseas came over me.
I quickly had to retreat back inside as I was gagging as I watched him dumpster diving and digging to the bottom and then raising his hands to his mouth. Ugh! Purge. Nasty. Dying. Puking. I literally had to run inside with my hand over my mouth. These guys don’t just dumpster dive, okay. They open every single bag and spread it all out and go through it all. As I thought about all the dirty feminine hygiene products, used toilet paper, diapers, dog poop, aids, disease and germs… I almost died. Dramatic? Yes. Realistic? Hell yes!
Hours, and I mean hours later, the dumpster diving dudes packed their goodies in their bags and started to walk away as there was a mess all over the lawn. So I yelled from my window for them to pick their shaz up and the bastard started cussing me out. I must have scared them though with my large muscles (Big mouth) because they haven’t been back since.
That… Or they died from the germs they come into contact with. Those are the only two plausible possibilities. I promise. Nasty! Like I said, it puts a whole new idea to dirty jokes!
If you are rattled about something or have hilarious stories, and want to share your story, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or with your story and pictures! I can’t wait to hear you rant about it!