Listen here, bud with the ‘security’ shirt on, you suck and the jokes on you. After a date night out on the town with Mr. Rum Barcadi, I found something that I severely can’t stand and feel the need to “rant about it”.
Bouncers take their jobs way too seriously. It’s actually a deal breaker for me. Yes, there are bars I refuse to go to because their bouncers are douchier than what is required.
You’re a bouncer. Relax. You don’t have a badge, gun or handcuffs, and the majority of you are only ‘big’ with fat. So, relax.
This is one thing that I really only notice here in Kitchener Waterloo. The bouncers suck, and they take their job so seriously that I felt like I was drinking in a penitentiary with my cellmate.
And even that sounds like more fun than having to be around these egotistical bouncers that think they’re the bomb squad.
It first started at a pub. The bouncers were giving everyone the stink eye. Literally – everyone, and they were very aggressive with people for bumping into them or something.
Well, guess what? You work at a bar, Mr. Bouncer… And it is crowded. So just like myself and the rest of everyone in here, you are probably going to get bumped into. Your little security or bouncer t-shirt doesn’t change that. Plus, have you tried walking in these high heels?
Balance is a gift – a gift that disappears after one drink.
Oh, and that girl ‘slipping’ probably has nothing to do with the alcohol she drank, and has a lot to do with her 5 inch stilettos. (It wasn’t me – I swear… Okay, maybe it was. The jokes on me now, isn’t it?) Hey! At least it gives us plenty of funny stories, right?
Oh, and your big, fat pushed-out chest is not intimidating anyone. You look like you have a serious arch in your spine and you might want to get that checked out. Just saying.
What I really need to “rant about it” is when we headed to the club which was around 1AM.
At that time of night… Morning… Whatever, you can guarantee that the majority of people are drunk. I mean, that’s what clubs are for, right?
The biggest douchebag bouncer of all was quizzing the guys in front of me about how many drinks they have had, blah blah blah. They were definitely drunk, but not enough to be denied. The bouncer simply looked at them and said, “No.”
Then, to the group of guys behind me, the same bouncer says ‘Are you with those guys?’ referring to the guys he just denied. Like wtf does that have to do with anyone else? To the ones who weren’t, he allowed into the club, and to anyone who said that they knew those guys, he denied claiming they were ‘too drunk’.
Oh, shut up, bouncer man.
He was picking and choosing who was ‘good enough’ for this club – and let me just tell you, this club was nothing to be proud of… And his gauges are a prime example of what I’m talking about.
You, Mr Bouncer friend, sound like you need to have more drinks ’cause you are so anal, I feel like I am getting wedgie just from hearing your voice.
Inside was even worse. Luckily, I was apparently too drunk to remember that now.
A couple rum shots later with some friends, I decided to call it a night. I couldn’t handle the cliche-ness of this place, and all the bouncers that think they’re undercover agents working in the hood of NYC.
How about them roids though?
You are taking your job way too seriously. I’m over you. Deal breaker.
I’m over myself too though. I really paid for my rum shots (no pun intended) this morning. I totally forgot to take my Alcotox, which is a natural substance that takes the bad effects out of booze. As a result, alcohol is healthier for you and the hangover is non-existant. I really regret not taking them last night.
If you are rattled about something or have hilarious stories, and want to share your story, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or with your story and pictures! I can’t wait to hear you rant about it!